So, sometime in the last couple of weeks, as I “see” the season of busy come upon us again, I realized that there is a bitter sweet accompaniment to my thoughts. Normally the last season of the year excites me and to be truthful this year is no exception. But that accompanying piece? Well I think the last year or so has traumatized me. We try and pack so much into our days already and throw in the holidays – so I’m a little excited and a bit scared to death.
Knowing how I am, and wanting to ENJOY the holidays, and not stress over them as I usually do, I wrestled with myself as to “what needs to change” to make this happen. I’m not sure I’ve come up with a solid answer. All I know is that I’m not getting any younger and I am not able to keep with the pace of the past.
So I’ve asked myself a few questions.
- What do you want out of life anyway?
- Why is it that you want to keep blogging / vlogging? Why can’t you let the hobby go? Why do you struggle so and keep striving?
And here is what I come up with. This is why I refuse to give up hobbies to have other time to do other things. And then be left frustrated because I have no time to do the other things on my list. Why do these things get such priority?
WHY YOU LIKE TO BLOG and/or Vlog?
- I have always wanted others to see and understand my life.
- I’m don’t like being confrontational but here I can express my opinions and normally get away with it.
- The blog has been an outlet or a vent for me through all the injustices in life that I have EVER seen. Where I’ve not been able to vocalize my thoughts elsewhere, I have here. Hello…Sonya is a human being complete with the thoughts of her own. I’ve tried not to be too personal or not say anything too damaging to anyone’s psyche and I’m sorry to you if I did. I probably didn’t get to have a fair say so I did it here in my own thoughts. I just called it like I experienced it on my end. If you were a total goof in your part – enh maybe you shouldn’t have been? lol. I do expect to be treated fairly and like a human and if you failed at that, then I probably prayed for you in addition to saying what happened to me on my end on my blog. I would add “bless your heart” since this is a Southern blog but I’ll refrain, lol.
- The need to understand myself. When I write in this blog, I sometimes uncover things about myself I didn’t know. I work it out in the blog. Sometimes you all point things out to give me things to think on too.
- It’s my way to share with the world. That was kindof my first point too. But the sharing part is something within me that I truly like to share whether it be a good recipe, or a good way of doing something, or an idea, or a different way of thinking. I don’t get to have time for a lot of friends, and even though I’m married, George does not always like to sit and listen to all I have to say – he’s got better things to do too so honestly I think he’s probably grateful I do this, lol.
- Believe it or not…I do like to entertain you. I would love to provide more humor but usually it’s hard to come by in my serious-minded world. But when I lighten the mood, humor can enter my world.
- If not entertainment then perhaps amusement? I realize I have odd minded thoughts and experiences. So if nothing else perhaps I leave you amused, lol. After all I amuse myself sometimes.
To get the bottom of why I do what I do and why I feel the need to keep vlogging and blogging and working at my to do lists and goals so fervently, that I will almost make myself sick – I had to ask myself the next question.
What is it YOU want out of Life Anyway?
- God. I am going to put God first here even though I realize I often have not put Him first. It is a daily struggle sometimes with my will versus His will. He is a God of mercy and forgiveness and we talk several times a day. This alone has been a vast improvement. And we are working together on His plan for me. There might be a little negotiating going on but He is telling me lately that I am being to hard on myself when it comes to the schedule and getting EVERYTHING DONE. He even told me when I asked Him what He thought about which thing to do first and what I should work on – “do what you want, it’s all good stuff”. I was pleased to hear that whisper in my ear. It lightened my load to hear it.
- Peace. I want peace everywhere. I don’t like conflict. I want the world to get along, family to get along, I want my mind to be at peace.
- Love. I want to love on my family. I want love from my family and friends. I want to feel cared about and feel like I have a special place in their hearts. I need and want unconditional love. I don’t want to feel like I’m a complete failure in their eyes. I don’t want to have relationships with people where I’m not important to them unless I’ve done something for them lately.
- Wellness/Health. I want to be physically (mentally too) well and healthy. A few lbs less.
- Security. I want to feel and be safe. I want to feel protected in life. I want to feel like I am safe from any kind of harm and that I have a way of providing for myself or ourselves. That includes actual shelter and access to food and other provisions and also monetary/financial security.
- Contentment. Want to be content with all and enjoy the days we have.
- Surroundings. I want my surroundings to be comfortable and aesthetic. Clean and neat and looking nice to behold in the eyes. I don’t thrive in clutter and don’t feel good in clutter. I don’t like eye sores. These things are engrained in me and IT IS what I want to have clean and neat looking spaces to be in. I don’t have to have the best of everything. I mainly just want it neat and aesthetically pleasing.
- Dogs/pets. I love having a pet to share my life with. It’s a lot of hard work but worth it in the long run. But I struggle with the give and take part of it sometimes. Like I don’t like to have pee pads in my house but it’s better than the alternative, lol.
- Time for rest. I’d really like to get in a solid 7.5 to 8 or longer rest at night. I’d like to have sufficient time to think, plan, cook, or just piddle, study God’s word, or clean my house. I get a lot of good vibes from just being home and doing laundry and cleaning and moving things about the house and creating and upgrading my “nest”, and resting the mind by watching or doing things that are freeing my mind. I MISS this time so much.
- Time for hobbies. I need that creative zone to create some things out of “nothing” or “not much” whether it’s writing, reading, learning, watching, making videos, planning some fun, or doing some fun things we’ve already planned. I think this is why God gave us talents to share with the world. I believe this can be my avenue of service for Him and we are working on it.
I’m sure I’ll think of lots more of these things as time passes and I’ve probably missed something important. I noticed I forgot to put “work” on there. I could do without work I suppose if we didn’t need the money for our retirement plans, and to get us through til then. But honestly, even though I love my job, life has been really taxing lately. So as I have a birthday coming up next year, that moves me yet another year closer to early retirement when I’m 62 and a half – or something like that. I’m convinced we can do a few things to come up with the insurance money until I’m old enough for medicare. I just hope I live long enough to get to retire at an early retirement. I get so tired now, I can’t imagine working til the 67 year or whatever it is for my age group for full retirement.
Every week now I’m in shock of there being a 5 day work week. I get so tired by Wednesday alone. Or that we cannot supplement some by working from home. Sometimes I wonder if I should just consider a job that you fully work from home as so many of them are out there now. And cut out the time I spend in the car everyday. But with only 2+ years left, I really don’t want the stress of having to learn a new job. Of course God leads. So who really knows what will happen and when or why or how.
Bottom Line: Where Do We Go From Here?
But going through these exercises may not have solved my “time problem” but it did let me see what I want out of life. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life time – work wise. I worked hard. I gave it more than I really should have. But I do have a forgiving immediate family that loves me for trying so hard. I can feel their love. I can also feel the ones that didn’t care or didn’t understand but I don’t consider that to be in my way nor a thorn in life’s path as I know to surround myself with people that support me and believe in me and are positive for me.
So really it all comes down to a bit of prioritizing. And God said it best when He considered all my to do list and said “Sonya, it’s all good things you are trying to do. There’s nothing bad on your list. So do any of them. Do what you want!”
He knows I’m including Him in what I do and He knows I have a full plate. So I can hear him nudging me to relax some. After all, we all know that he, as God, rested Himself after creating the world on the 7th day or so? How do we think we can do anything and everything all 7 days without resting? Sure we have not created a world or anything but we have lived in a taxing one!
So what’s gonna be different? I don’t know for sure, but I plan to relax it some. I don’t have to hold my to do list or schedule or bucket list in concrete. I don’t have to push to put extra things in my day. I don’t have to be upset or frustrated if I don’t get to them. I just need to give myself a break and lighten it up a little. And laugh. I need to laugh.
The queen’s death, my friends death, the economy, the state of the world – it’s all been so gloomy and then atop our schedules and my blasted to do list – I felt like I was choking and maybe I have been in a state of stress choke for a while.
A busy season is coming upon us and there is no denying that I need to reshuffle and get the most important things done. And here I go messing up what I just said. I’m tempted to say “plan ahead, get more done sooner, adding more to the do list”. It’s just hard to make a change and it’s a vicious cycle, but somehow I have fix it, get a handle on it, or re-think it because it’s all coming! I don’t have answers but I’m going to lighten the load more by doing more of what I want, and pushing less, but it’ll still require some planning and prioritization. I still require lists or I’ll forget. But I don’t have to RE hang the moon, I don’t have to have a 100 views a day on the blog to feel successful, and I don’t have to reach the 1,000 mark blog follower tomorrow, and I don’t have to be an overnight YouTube success today or tomorrow. lol Who really cares about it all anyway? At this point it’s just surviving through the day!