In an Effort to Understand One’s Self Part II

Well, it was kind of nice to take a trip down memory lane asking myself the same few questions in the previous entry – in each segment of my life. I really needed to see if my persona was the same as it was throughout. I think it is. And what gifts did I develop and what is it that God wants me to do. I can see that I always wanted to travel and do new and different things. (So many things not mentioned yesterday like our family gettaways to Florida – but you can only mention so many things in your entire life in one entry – lol). In looking back I see I always was thorough in my execution of things (to do lists and planning). Always wanting to look, and feel a certain way, and always with an interest in fashion, decorating, neatness and having themes. Always the writer and wanting to convey feelings this way instead of verbally. Also in how I developed my independence and sometimes mistrust of others. Also noticed that while I wanted to be loved and given attention in my life, I really wanted to be out of the view and judgment of others. Which is interesting b/c I’ve always found myself being judged and criticized and misunderstood by others. And there is nothing much that makes me madder or sadder than this. I never liked being under the microscope but have always found that I have been in one capacity or the other. As a preacher’s kid you were always watched and judged and often they were wrong. I didn’t mention it yesterday but I’ve been accused of things that I didn’t do b/c someone who did said it was me. Life has never been fair but I’ve always tried to make it that way. Anyway, it was interesting to take a very choppy look back to see what made me the way I am today and if there were elements of me today that I had as a child.

I also see that I have always been very “administrative” – and am good at managing a project and seeing it through and all of the steps in between. And having goals and reaching them was always a “thing”. So it was interesting to take a look book to see kinda how I developed and what types of things I liked to think about and focus on as I grew up. And to see what types of things upset me throughout. It was usually when frustrated or overwhelmed. And that remains to this day.

So I just had to come back and kinda finish a “Part II” to this. I didn’t get to finish recapping Saturday morning as this exercise took a chunk of my morning and was very surprised to see the time had flown and it was time to go and I was not ready and had to abruptly stop blogging and get ready. I just have not had enough “me” time lately to even be able to process a lot of things. And to be able to be me. Much less get the house organized and work done or to see my shows. We are not going anywhere next weekend. And no one better plan anything either. lol

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