Hair Cut Decisions, Nashville Predator Hockey Game, and Mid-Week Update

The Contest Winner – but NO PURPLE!

Good morning! I prompted a little voting situation on Facebook and asked everyone to let me know what style (I had them numbered) I should get, when I cut my hair next week. This one won. But I will not be getting the purple, lol.

I am just really undecided if I want to cut it like this yet. My hair has a bit of curl to it these days I’m not sure I can make mine look like that. But, even wavy, or curly I guess that cut could still work. Wish I could see the front! I imagine the front to look something like this below. I know I’m not going for bangs yet. But I’m ok with pieces that fall at my ear lob similar to this one.

Straight Bob Shaped to Head with Wispy layers at Bottom

These styles below also really appeal to me. One has long bangs and the other does not. Both are longer in the front and I wouldn’t want mine to be a LOT longer in the front but I’m ok with subtle.

Messy Bob with subtle layers.

I’m also really drawn to the look of this one below. With it’s long layers. Keeping in mind mine would have waves and would not be straight unless I did a lot of styling which I’m likely not to do more than a blow dryer and round brush or round air brush dryer.

Straight Shag Layered Cut

I also really like these below but I think I want more layers than just the bottom layer, but this looks really nice. II think the one on the right is better as far as that type of look goes and I think I actually like the one on the right quite a bit now that I think of it. I think I like it better than the one with purple above. This would still work fine with a little waveband the layers will look good straight or with waves or even a bit of curl. I think I may have made my decision by doing this blog entry. It’s really not far off from the top one except the top one (with purple) is more like a wedge in a way – instead of only having this cut on the back it comes on around to the sides a bit. I like mine longer in the front. I can straighten the front to come down like a long bob in one piece around my face (no layers unless they start at my ear lobe) and then the layers can start pretty immediately as you go around my face.

Bob Layered at bottom and/or subtle layers with tapering at the bottom. I’m not really sure what you call all these!

These below are the cuts that I had been getting all along and grew it out. Sometimes I miss it. But those bangs are so hard to grow back out. And I kinda like me without bangs now, but again, I’m a little undecided. I call this the “Meg Ryan” look – the way she used to look when she was in all the movies.

And one daring day, I’m liable to just go ahead and do a pixie cut! This one got several cuts. But wow my ears would stick out and it would be interesting. I think as long as the layers were long and it was cut lie this, it would be ok. I just don’t want to look like a man! lol. This is when big earrings would have to be worn all the time, lol! But I’m not that daring yet. It does seem to go good with turtle necks, which I don’t wear much of anymore.

So what do you think?

My appointment is next week. I will let you know for sure. I may just start with the long layered bob and after that go for the one that is a better shorter like the red head above. And then after that maybe go for the pixie and after that grow it all back out again and start over! lol. I really like having varying hair styles.

An Evening Out to the Predators Hockey Game

We drove in with our neighbors with us for a hockey game Tuesday night as George had been given tickets through his work. Since the photos are already on social media and shared, I figure it’s ok here as much of the same folks are on here.

Meet Chip and Anne and me and George.

And then we caught up with our other neighbor David as well centered.

We were laughing trying to get us all in the picture.

I had to laugh at this big hat but how annoying if you were seated directly behind him. I’m surprised such is allowed.

We went back into a special section of the building where there were some prehistoric bones found in Nashville and excavated while building things downtown. I guess that is where the Predators name came from.

There was a museum of Nashville sports back there in the “secret special location” of the building. lol

And of course there was a win! (Played against a Canadian team.)

The deer were hanging out with Sasquatch next door at our neighbors house when we took them home. We got home close to 11 p.m. So by the time I got in bed I was already 2.5 hours down on sleep.

Other Updates

So, I talked with Mom and her love sofa arrived. She likes it but says it is smaller and there is not much room for Fancy to sit and it is hard to nap in as it leans to far back for her liking. But she is “making it” she says. lol. I figured something would be wrong with it, but she picked it out over the others and liked it the best. So I hope she will come to enjoy it. She is like me (or is it I’m like her, lol) and we both notice what is not right about things. We are live critics of everything trying to make our world and our environments better places. At least that is MY story and I’m sticking with it.

She has also been having trouble paying her HOA. She pays it and they send the check back and then tell her she still owes money. I’m not sure what is amiss but thinking maybe she is sending to the wrong place or either they don’t have the right accounts set up or something. She is having a devil of the time getting someone on the phone.

We had storms to roll through – well it was more like very high winds with rain. It was windy all day long yesterday. I was afraid to go to sleep til they storms or line passed through b/c we were under a tornado watch and the energy within could pop up and rotate at any time so I stayed alert til the line passed. It was about 10:15 when I went to bed and slept. So I’m behind on the sleep this week. I’m feeling a little moody this morning and overslept by 45 minutes. George had to wake me up. I really don’t have time to blog but decided I’m doing it anyway as I had planned to. I’ll just have to work a bit later or do without much of a lunch break.

Ok so I’m over and out. This week has been a fast one. The next two days I will be heavily involved in quarter end. I’m making some progress, a little quicker than usual, so far. We’ve not had much time to get anything done this week with working all day and doing things in the evenings.

We talked with Mom and also FaceTimed with River last night for a long while. He is WALKING NOW! He has been taking like 8 to 11 steps at a time now. And he is suddenly talking more. And he will point to his face body parts when you ask where is your nose, eyes, ears. And he will say “Bye Bluey” and wave, and he and I made O faces at each other. He laughed when we did it back and forth. I love that he is communicating. He goes to the window and says “da da” b/c he knows his Daddy is out there (hunting).

So tonight I’m getting my nails done – I guess that means I won’t be working too late though. lol. I’ll just cut my lunch shorter then.

WE are looking forward to Saturday as we have a day at home and then Sunday is church day and we’ll take Mom to lunch and to AT&T. And before too long we’ll schedule another work day at her house to help more with her garage and haul off any Good Will items.

Well I better get out of here. My blogs are long when I miss a couple of days.

The depression is still on the way out. It’s been a good week. Thank goodness. And I’m hoping to get some things off of my list as we go into the next few days! Weekend approaching. Sleep is up there at the top. Getting more coffee and getting myself out the door. Take care! What is going on with YOU this week. Let me know!

Sunshine in My Soul

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Two nights ago as I lay in bed in prayer and conversation with the Lord having heaviness in my heart and depression in my soul. He promised me I would awake a new person Sunday morning and would be filled with joy, beauty, and enjoy living again. He promised there would be sunshine in my soul again. Sunday seemed to be a transition day when I awoke. A day of acknowledging, purging, letting go, forgetting, and cleansing. And today when I woke up the image of a sun brighter than this sunflower was in my head as clear as if it were shining right in front of my face. Try as I may to remember the woes of the previous weeks, I cannot recall them. He is pushing the dark clouds away from my mind and filling me with sunshine.

Yesterday, I blogged my heart out. I wrote all that I was feeling and it included a lot of information about who I am, and about things that happened in the past that haunt my soul at times. I actually erased all the examples as it was too raw to see in writing. My intention was not to hurt anyone but purge with the support of my friends here. Facts are facts and sometimes we have to face them, whether we write them or read them. It’s not easy for either side. But I have stared at the facts face on and I’m no longer afraid to face them. I’m not running from them anymore. I’m not going to be afraid to have difficult conversations if they need to be had or faced by anyone else. I’m not afraid to protect myself and my psyche. I’m not afraid to be me. And I am worthy of being regardless of what anyone else says or thinks of me. A new conversational motto is going to be in effect immediately and it is: “if you want to go down this road, then let’s go there with gusto and let’s talk about this”. Others might should be very afraid to have that conversation with me. But I am to the point now where I will say what I want and need to say – fact filled. If the truth makes one feel bad, well that’s just tough love.

God has also followed up the sunshine graphic he placed in my head this morning with the scripture of the fruit of the Spirit. I guess He is letting me know He is here and in charge! 😉 He is our Protector and our Safe Tower and we can run to Him. And we can consider it JOY in times of trouble, and in trials, because He will refine us like silver.

We can wallow in the mud and the muck and throw arrows and allow thorns and place thorns or we can allow the sunshine to fill our hearts and rise above it and walk the road of life again. I’m choosing the latter.

Yes it helped to have the first day at home all day in 14 days of being gone all day. Much was accomplished that we were not able or had the mind to do in the evenings. George worked in the yard and did our taxes.

I did my Joy devotional, blogged, fixed a smoothie, changed my sheets, vacuumed, finished the laundry, ironed, restocked my work bag (food items/drink items), refilled my vitamin bins, mopped the kitchen floor, gave George a hair cut, updated the Mac software, deleted some Mac files, started the next video, watched a couple of YouTuber shows, and broke down the bed in my office to go downstairs. It felt good to get some things done and to actually have a day at home.

So this week is a busy one. I have a doc appointment myself at 5:20 today. I’m glad my doctor does some days early and some days late. He tries to work in before and after work hours during the week on various days. This is mainly to get BP meds refilled.

Tomorrow we are going to a Predator’s game!

Wednesday we have a customer appreciation event to go to – if we are still going. It’s up in the air.

Thursday night I’m getting my nails done.

Friday we will enjoy being home for a night!

Saturday is our home day to get things done. I will be working on the sunroom and opening it up for the warm days of spring and early summer. I will get the Easter decor out as we are planning an Easter dinner here. I have some Amazon orders to do and also will be cooking some as George does projects outside. I tried to cook a bit more in the summer. So I’m getting some recipes together and will need to get ingredients on the grocery list and planned out. Will get all the weekend reboot things done.

Sunday will be church day and any Mom errands. And hoping to get back early afternoon for video editing, but at least I’m set up with the next video and can work on that some during the week too.

As for Mom, We still need to go to ATT. So we can try to do that after church next Sunday if she wants to go. I will also be trying to find her a patio table and chairs. She gave me hers that she was getting rid of in my twenties and she wants one like it. I just can’t give it back as we like to eat on it in the sun room. But she had told me she wants one just like it. I figured she wanted that one back but didn’t want to ask for it. I have had it 25 years and can’t part with it, lol. Need to try and find a cabinet she wants for the laundry room.

So I’m going to get ready and go in. It’s month end again and quarter end. I was off half of Friday so I’ll have some payroll items to attend to today on top of my normal Monday items and then I’ll have to leave in a rush at day’s end to get to my doc appt and won’t be able to stay late to work on ME/QE. Tomorrow is payroll day and Pred’s game. I predict the week will go by fast! As we are busier than normal on all fronts. April will soon be here. I will also be working on our summer bucket list which I intend to start May 1, most likely. I’m surprised but we’ve done a lot on our bucket list for Winter into Spring.

Over and out and it might be Wed or Thurs or even the weekend before I’m back. I am feeling the urge to take a little break from blogging. While it has been very cathartic, it’s time to rest for a bit but I won’t be gone long. Matter of fact usually when I say that I’m back as quick as I left, lol. We’ll see. Have a great week in case I’m not back til the weekend. Be safe and take care of yourself. Til then my friends.

Two Busy Days, Three Misunderstandings, and a Few Surprises

The picture above is what my heart feels like when I get the rare day off to work on all the things I need and want to be working on at home. My heart sings with glee. And coffee. Even if only for a few minutes.

Friday

Friday I worked til 11:30 and did what I could for quarter end. Made some pretty good progress across last week with catching up and getting month end almost finished. I’m sure I lost ground a bit Friday by leaving early. So I drove to Lebanon to get Mom. She had on a top with black in it and navy pants. I asked if she meant to wear navy or black pants and she said black. So she changed into black pants. It’s hard to see the difference in black and navy as you grow older. I often have an issue with that as far as my socks go. Then we went on Hendersonville to the eye doctor so she can get her shot. And then we ate in Hendersonville afterward at Lincoya for a mid afternoon “linner”. A cross b/w lunch and dinner, lol.

Chicken Park at Lincoya, Hendersonville, TN
Cute Restaurant Decor at Lincoya, Hendersonville, TN

Mom got a burger and I got the chicken parmesan. It was so good. Then we went thru Dutch Bros and I got some iced coffee as I’d not had caffeine and after the meal I was very sleepy. I ended up getting an iced coffee, and it was pretty good, but I’d have been better off with the hot black coffee.

I took Mom home and we got her mail and then I stayed over there for a few minutes and caught up on email, blog comments, orders I’d placed, texts, and checked Instagram from River Roo updates. It was nice to just sit in the recliner and do that. Mom had said that George would need to come over the next day and check a fuse box or switch as she had an outlet that was tripped. I asked if it was something I could do or look at and she said no that George would have to do it.

I came home and was not hungry for dinner with George so we watched one of our shows and I fixed pop corn around 8:30 as I was getting hungry for something. Then headed to bed around 9:30 or 10:00.

Saturday

I had set my alarm for 6:00 so I got up fixed coffee, showered, and got ready. George got up and had just enough time for coffee and a shower as well. I was able to gather up some clothes and put them in the laundry but didn’t start it yet as he was showering. And I had just enough time to get in a Target order as I needed to order some make up items and laundry items. I never had my make up colors with me at the store and also Target has my face wipes, and I was out. So checked that off the list.

We left and got to Mom’s just before 8:00 and George checked the fuse box but nothing seemed amiss. The switch on the electrical outlet just needed to have the “reset” button pushed. So he did that and it began working again. On the way to the dog spa, Mom exclaimed how she just loved her little house. It made my heart just melt. I was so happy to hear those words.

Then we took Fancy and dropped her off at the doggie spa. I made reservation for Fancy at 7 weeks out because I couldn’t remember if it was 6 weeks or 8 weeks that we went. When I got to the car Mom said to change it and make it 6 weeks instead of 7. (Insert favorite eye roll emoji here, lol).

Then we went to eat breakfast at First Watch. It was so incredibly good. It was nice and relaxing. At first they wanted to put us at the front door table and I told the hostess we’d wait for a table toward the back b/c it was a cold morning and I didn’t want our breakfast time to be ruined by freezing and being right at the front where people came and went. It was worth the extra three minutes. 😉 I was glad I spoke up as it would have been miserable up there by the door – when you eat out you also pay for an experience and that was not the aura (freezing and people brushing by) that I wanted, lol. And I knew Mom would be miserable and then we would all be.

First Watch Classic Breakfast with Bacon
Sorry guys at the table next door, but I wanted a pic of the restaurant, lol
Napkin Wrapper at First Watch

George gave me his napkin wrapper that said “I love you more than Bacon”. lol I’m so glad. That is something to be honored because Bacon is special. Too bad he didn’t have this to give on our wedding day. lol

After Breakfast we took Mom to the bank to cash a check and make a deposit. As George drove off she said we may have to go back as they didn’t give her all the money. She had me count it but it was all there. I was so afraid we’d have to go back and there would be an encounter with the bank but luckily all was fine and everything was done as she had requested. Just temporary confusion.

After that we dropped George off at the house. He had things he wanted to do and he went to the store for he and I. I had to give him my list while we were at the restaurant.

Temporary Landslide of Conversation

So then Mom and I headed off to the furniture store. In the process Mom began talking about how she was going to arrange her furniture in the den to hold more people. She said she reckoned my sister and her family would never come to see her so she would not need as many seats if all was there at once.

I told her “probably not and honestly Mom I just try not to think about her as it makes me sin to do so”. She asked what that meant. I said that it makes me mad that she is not there to help at least some. I guess it made Mom mad when I said that and she said “well I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you”. Then that made me mad then and I told her that my not wanting to sin against my sister had absolutely zero to do about her being a burden but that it had everything to do with my sister giving some of her beach time to lend a hand with her mother here and there. I told her “seeeeeee, this is why I chose to clear my mind of her because I don’t want to be judgmental or be angry or think bad of her and the only way I can do it is to just not think of her.” (Otherwise I go there and think of all that is happened and it hardens my heart and makes me angry as I remember all the ugly texts I received and hurt I went through, not to mention her not letting Mom see the grandkids much and having them withdrawn from her life almost completely. It just all starts to get a foothold if I let it. The ONLY way I don’t go there is if I let the thought come and go try not to think about it all so that I can forgive. I can understand drawing boundaries but I can’t understand the complete cruelty of the withdrawal and I often am overwhelmed by the remembrance of the ugly texts I received early on. There is so much I don’t understand. That I will likely never understand so I’ve tried to understand all I can and just try not to think about her anymore because it hurts too much.)

Anyway that is when Mom said again she should have just stayed in Columbia. I said “do you know how that makes me feel? (after all we did the last year and still do – it makes me feel like it was all for nothing). And I said “and then what would have happened?” She said “I guess the move would have had to have happened eventually.” I said “yes, b/c we were not quitting our jobs and moving down there and there’s nobody left that can do things for you there”.

During the conversation I missed my turn off for I-40 and had to turn around. I told her that these conversations upset me because I know that conversations with her escalate very quickly and I showed her how my hands were shaking. It was just the same type of conversation that ended my Mom’s and Sister’s relationship. It was a discussion about “time” and “doing things for Mom”. And in that part I’m very forgiving of my sister because I had ten more years of erupting conversations than she did.

Sooooooo many conversations went awry with yelling through the years and so it makes me so nervous that I walked on egg shells around her most of my life. So I was shaking yesterday so badly. These experiences are the dark side of life that we are not proud of and ashamed of because we spend time wondering what it is we’ve done so wrong to deserve it. It can mess you up. It also makes you look for acceptance in other ways. Like this blog.

But back to my sister, It’s just the intentional decision to not help Mom in anyway that I ended up having a harder time forgiving. I get the not wanting to be around drama and yelling and raised voices. But to me, it’s the “leaving someone for dead” that can’t help themselves that gets me. So I try not to ponder my sister. I try not to think about these bad scenes that have occurred across my life and made such and impression on me. I try to forget them and go on. I try to understand what might cause Mom to react in such a way. Sometimes maybe fear. I always really just concluded that it was just her wanting to have her way or wanting to control things. But one really doesn’t know as we often shove these bad times under the rug. I don’t like conflict and I don’t do well being yelled at. I will either shrink like a bug under the rug and hideout, or I will come out screaming like a wild Indian for my side to be heard. You never know, I was taught the one way to react but having learn the other. And it is not easy as we tend to follow the behavior we’ve been modeled. Fact.

So back to our conversation. Boundaries set.

I explained to Mom that I wanted to make it very clear that I don’t mind helping her and that I enjoy a lot of it that we do, but what I can’t do is give my entire spare time over to her as I have to live my life too. I also told her I could not even give her 50% of my spare time. But she needed to understand I don’t mind helping but I do mind giving her most of my spare time. So at least that part was said as I’ve been struggling, as you know with trying to find balance and figure out what God wants me to do and all that.

Finally I got turned around and on I-40 toward the furniture store, hands shaking. I really like it when George is with us so these conversations don’t happen. She is less likely to open cans of worms when he is with us. There is just too much fuel from the past (most of which I have not shared and likely will not) and it ignites so quickly. We know each others ways so well. My nerves were rattled. But I was less shaky as we arrived at the Furniture store. I knew her focus would be on getting her furniture at that point. And “the sister” and “the move” would be back under the table to fester for later.

I was so happy to hear she was finally happy at her place early in the day, but I should have known the opposite would come out later and did with her wishing she had not moved – which I think was after I said I wished my sister would help. By that I think I saw quickly that she doesn’t realize how little time we have but I already knew that. She didn’t work FT much or have a commute so it’s clear that she doesn’t have a concept of how much or little time we have off. Instead of understanding it’s easier to just say “I’m sorry I’m such a burden”. And I guess that is a guilt tactic, I don’t know. I know she doesn’t even realize what she is doing when she says things like that, but I think it’s more of a way to protect herself than to try and understand where I’m coming from. It’s pointless to come to an understanding of each other’s feelings so I just try to avoid these kinds of conversations as they cannot be had calmly.

When Mom feels she is being misunderstood she raises her voice. I do that too as I learned from her. And I’ve had to try to unlearn that. Especially at work and in my marriage. George knows I’ve tried and I think he respects that. He knows what pushes my buttons and even though I try, when I’m tired or pushed to the edge, I often will revert back to old behaviors, defense mechanisms, and angry responses.

I do understand the angry responses come from a lack of properly being able to express oneself and be understood. Where Mom often gets angry if you don’t agree with her, I have been trying to at least understand that others have an opinion. But I’m going down a rabbit hole with these things.

The conversation we had today was simply a basic few words but for each of us it had separate deeply rooted feelings which like a volcano can erupt. At this point in my life, I don’t mind writing about it because 1) I need to try and understand it myself and writing it out helps 2) Perhaps it can help someone else working through similar issues 3) I love Mom and she cared for me, fed me, and kept me safe growing up and gave me wonderful meals and Christmas holidays so I am not having a bash session here, just an honest one. 4) Every family has issues and no one talks about it but we should so we can all begin to heal or try to make it better somehow 5) If you don’t want to be on the news or blog tomorrow, be nice today, lol. 6) I know on the flip side I’m being talked about – as none of us has a therapist – we wouldn’t speak to one another at all if we did because we would “boundary” each other out by now. 7) I need to be able to be heard and this is the best way for me to express it – I’m not even sure I understand the dynamics myself. So I’m grasping at straws here.

George says I overthink too much, but that is coming from someone who analyzes everything. lol I’m trying to learn to live with face value but it’s hard to do when you know there are ice burgs under the surface – or volcanos, as mentioned.

Furniture Store

As we arrived at Smith Furniture, Mom said “Now is this Ashley?”

“No Mom it’s Smith”.

“Oh I thought we were going to Ashley first”.

“Earlier in our conversation I thought you wanted to see what Smith wanted and if they didn’t have what you needed you can go back to Ashley.”

“Well this is ok”

“Good because we are hear now and Ashley is in the area where we just came from”.

Smith Furniture Store, Lebanon, TN

(Insert sound of angels singing here and light shining from heaven above). Mom found her furniture. She went with the old fashioned handle on the recliners. She said that it is annoying when the electricity goes off or gets disconnected. She certainly didn’t want anything with lots of buttons as I think she really can’t see them anyway. These were comfortable. She has ordered two of these for her living room. Mainly as she has a corner with an antique bookshelf on it so a smaller love seat fits better. The downside is that they only had one and they are delivering that Monday. The second one will take 6 to 8 months to come in. And it is on order. But I encouraged her to take what she liked because it’s going to be the same just about anywhere. It doesn’t have electrical components so I told her it might come in a little quicker. But who knows, at least she will have the newer piece for herself to sit on and it’s easier for her to get in and out of.

She was VERY excited. And I’m excited for her. It will look very nice in her place. Her place is coming together beautifully. It’s very pretty.

So Fancy was not ready yet, so we stopped at KFC to get tea with lemon and they didn’t have lemon and gave us a little bit of lemonade in it. At the window the lady said “it’s me today ladies, you two have a great day”. So we gave her a tip of two dollars and told her it was for her personal tip jar. That was so nice.

We went to look at patio furniture at a second hand place and they were just not useable. Very worn. And so Mom wanted to check things out at Big Lots. So we drove to the edge of Hermitage to go there and check things out. Lots of traffic and people out. But we got a good parking spot and walked in. I enjoyed myself after we looked at their patio furniture. Nothing would work – either too big or not made well. I encouraged her to wait.

While I was shopping (found 3 tops there as they had more clothes) Fancy’s spa called and Fancy was ready so I had to rush through the store and then get checked out.

We went to pick up Fancy who was glad to see us and just looked so pretty. She needed a trim badly. I was able to get the date changed to 6 weeks instead of 7 for the trim.

And then we headed for Publix. Fancy was very unsettled and we decided she might have to potty so I found a spot to take her near Publix. It was kinda hard to get out of though because of traffic. Mom sat in the car and held Fancy while I did her shopping. She really wanted to go in but Publix was on the way to her house. And afterwards Mom wanted KFC.

So after running through Publix I got the groceries and then put them in the car and we headed to KFC. We got a bucket so Mom would have leftovers for tomorrow.

Oh no!

When we got to her house as I was unloading everything Mom began putting things in the Fridge and as I brought in another load she said “Sonya my fridge is not working!”

I immediately went to a negative attitude as I was tired and we were just bringing in a lot of fresh groceries. I said “oh my gosh I cannot win for losing”. I mean if you were me, would you not have said something similar at that point? lol

So I said “let me check the breaker” and guess what I fixed it! I who am labeled as “can’t do anything without George” fixed it! Go me! lol To be fair, I think we both were surprised. And to not offend those who say I can’t do anything, I often claim that label myself, so no worries – just keep on saying it – I’ll either prove you wrong or prove you right. Doesn’t matter anyway!

I texted George to let him know that we ate a really late lunch as we got done about 4 or so and that I was not hungry. He had been planning on fixing salmon for us.

Contaminated Beer and a YouTube Misunderstanding

After eating and putting up the chicken and dishes, I headed back home. I was too tired to settle in with anything on my list. I gave myself a break and sat and the recliner with a cold beer which I chose to pour in a glass. I took a few sips and had tiny sticks in my mouth. I thought the beer was contaminated. I got up and the glass I poured it in had rosemary in it. I had gotten in from the (supposedly) clean cabinet. But a man mostly runs the kitchen. I mean this is the guy who when he was a kid, fed the dog, let the dog lick the spoon, and put the spoon back in the drawer. This is the guy who fixed dinner for me when dating, spilled the salad on the floor, scooped it up and put it back in the bowl. Later – much later – admitted he had done that after I had mentioned – also much later -how that salad had hair and everything in it. lol

So I got up and got another non-rosemary glass after careful inspection and began watching some YouTube shows. The cat soon came and relaxed with me.

While watching my shows, I realized I was no longer subscribed to Keep Your Daydream. I am not sure how that happened. It bothered me. Had I accidentally unsubscribed – no I’m not on that screen usually. Had they kicked me off? Maybe. There was someone that I accidentally hit the dislike button instead of like on my phone as my finger is too big for the texts and icons and I totally missed it. I corrected it immediately but I had to wonder if YouTube hadn’t reported the alert anyway as it did happen even though I corrected it. I would never purposely give anyone a dislike on there and certainly not my heroes at Keep Your Daydream. It really bothered me the rest of the day thinking they probably kicked me off. I resubscribed and felt so bad. My intention is only to encourage and I cringed at the thought that I might have created bad will in any form. I wanted to text them but chose not to because after all I wasn’t totally sure they had kicked me off. I suppose I could have unsubscribed unknowingly but I figured they were the ones I accidentally hit dislike on.

Yet a Third Misunderstanding

George failed to read his text and so got up to make dinner. I asked him what he was having. He said I am having the salmon we have talked about all weekend. I thought he might eat something different since I wasn’t eating. He said “you are not eating?” No did you not read my text? I already had dinner.

He said “we’ve been planning on eating salmon”. I said “I’m sorry it is just the way it ended up”. We were not hungry for lunch at lunch time but by 3 we were but we didn’t get a chance to eat it at 4 because of putting groceries and the fridge dilemma. He was disappointed but I was not going to stuff myself and eat twice. I was kinda hungry by 9:30 when I went to bed but I didn’t eat anything – I just drank water. My first though again was how difficult it was to please everyone in my life even though there really only George and Mom and me most of the time, lol lol lol. So I let it go. I texted him but I can’t help it if he didn’t read the text. He kept saying how we planned to eat salmon but things and circumstances changed and I let him know as soon as it did. But he didn’t check his phone so he didn’t know. I did my part and I did the best I could.

My To Do Lists Today

And here is the rest of it……..I cropped out the top part and it made it bigger, lol.

In review, All I can suggest is that for those that don’t understand, try better to. And I will do with same. I’m trying. I have been trying. I think it’s really all I ever wanted, was be understood. It’s so hard to have happen these days as our past experiences seem to define a lot of what we have learned and understood from the past. So while we try to have a new prospective on a new day, it often leans back on what we’d already learned from before. Deep stuff I know. We each have a lot of history and baggage as we age and while our psyches need to have protection we still have to be able to do that and not let down our guard too much. But we still have to try to let go of somethings and not weigh ourselves down and try let each day begin anew, with an open mind and what is hard for me, is an open heart. Mine has been stomped on and reconstructed and deflated and kicked around in so many ways. I wonder how I manage anything anymore but I get up trying again every day.

I am excited to have the day. A lot to cram in, but I’ve enjoyed it already being able to blog my heart out. So there you have the last two days. And much of my insides poured out. One day happiness will show up again. Til then I’m content to just lean on God and get there one day at time until I can finally reach bubble over stages with joy. But that might not come til I get a dog! 😉 Can a dog lead one out of a depression and funk? Honestly I’m kinda not even wanting to do anything anymore so that is my first sign of going into one. I’m teetering in and out of it. I need a dog.

Today I’ve probably said too much, but in a way it needs to be purged and said. I’ve kept so many things quiet in my life. I’ve shoved too many conversations and life experiences under the rug. I’m simply just wanting to live my life without conflict, without drama, do what God needs me to do and try to be happy from here and just let go. So I’m breathing today. Looking forward to tomorrow. And I need the dog.