So, we spent our Saturday yesterday with Mom. The main purpose was to get some pictures hung up. Quite a few were hung but we didn’t get finished as we also wanted to get her out of the house some. We took her to eat lunch and to buy groceries. And we went to Lowe’s to buy more hanging materials, cleaning materials, and Mom wanted to see a sun shade for the deck and so forth.
I guess our day was a concoction of both successes and failures.
Success: Several pictures were hung
Failure: It seems like not near enough
Success: Lunch was absolutely wonderful
Failure: We had to wait and stand in a cold area with Mom (77 and prefers sitting and warmth) for 40 minutes in crowds (while Covid is on the downside it’s still around).
Success: We got a few groceries
Failure: The grocery store we wanted to go to was a chain we’d been to in Hendersonville only this one was in Lebanon and it basically was totally different (night and day). It was totally ghetto (I guess we haven’t figured out the pockets of Lebanon yet). I wondered if we’d make it out alive plus a woman was coughing out her an entire lung all around us in those small aisles :-O.
Success: We got several things at Lowe’s and Mom looked at some patio shade options.
Failure: They didn’t have the vent filters Mom wanted and somehow we didn’t get home with the pack of nails we ordered. And there might have been a bit of drama in the check out line when Mom refused to use the self-check out while George held the clerk up to insist that she come check out where he was. I was in the middle of it all in which I finally yelled out across the store from several feet away with Mom “She’s gonna do what she wants to do George, she’s not coming – just go on!” (Insert your biggest eye roll here to which everyone in the store looks and you can see them saying oh you all are THAT kind of family. Yep we are. It’s like Carol Burnett and Momma all over again. We should have our own show. It’s much worse than Kate Plus 8! Let me tell ya. Sometimes I dread going out in public because of the drama if everything is just not perfect. Holy psycadolie on steroids. I just invented a new word I think.
Town Square Social, Lebanon – the Hip Place to Be on Saturday
As mentioned, our lunch at Town Square Social was just wonderful – once we got a table. Our twenty minute – turned into 40 – was a little uncomfortable for my 77 year old Mom, especially, but she hung on to a stair railing and endured it peacefully.
I was the one doing a dance shuffle b/w two front tables, the front door, the hostess stand, and hallway traffic as there was nowhere to be that was not in the way. I guess we can call it the hostess area dance. You go forward, backward, sideways, in, out, hop two steps over, three steps back and repeat “I’m sorry” “So sorry” back to back in regular intervals.
The walls of the restaurant have interesting character. And our meals were so good and we were so glad to be seated in a warm area. The day was very cold yesterday. It mainly was in the 30’s I think. It could have reached 40’s but if it did no one realized it. It was just as ugly and grey as all the rest of the days were lately but at least there was no rain or snow where we were.
Saturday Evening and Today
Back at Mom’s, searching for lost nails and a few remaining pictures hung, the clock quickly approached the five o’clock time frame and I think George was anxious to go home. Normally I would be too but at this point, I think I’ve lost all hope of doing anything I really want to do as I have these tremendous road blocks every where I turn and it’s just taken the life out of me and my hope or faith in doing anything I really want to do.
I’m not giving up completely, because my robot switch is turned to ON, and it’s at least going. I’m functioning. Going with the moment. I’m stuck in ruts and can’t get out. Everything I try to do turns to mush so for today I’ve decided to just settle in the muck and mud and waddle in it like a pig. Why make plans when you have to break your neck to do something you want to do? So I’m just not doing anything. The day off is here. Finally. I have no plans. I’m a feather in the wind. My will has no control anyway. So I’m just sipping coffee here and seeing what happens next in my life. LOL :-O
I tried to create a vision board on Pinterest this morning and I gave up. I put a dog on there. I put a new kitchen update on there. I tried to find video creation things to put on there. Camera and video and photography things. Blogging and VLOGGING things. Not much to add. The idea of a vision board quickly disintegrated. It was further depressing. Who am I kidding? I couldn’t manifest a chili dog at this point in my life. I mean think about it. The dog won’t come til later, the new revised kitchen won’t ever come – so I settled with an order for Amazon for under $100 and a Thrive Cosmetic order for under $50. LOL Even in doing that George had asked if I could wait and order Tuesday. What and Why? Simply so it would “show” as under March’s budget instead of February for his records. Not for financial reasons, but just so it shows under a different month. No. I’m doing something for ME today. Please no one else try to stop me from doing something I want to do. My entire life is on hold already or everything has some roadblock or closure or mountainous terrain to climb over. No. Let me have this one pleasure please.
The Amazon order – I have waited a month already to order it b/c I wanted to wait til I got closer to needing it and I’ve already gone too far past the point of needing it. The time is now. It’s ordered. I get to decide something in my life today. And ordering something on amazon is it! I work too and I don’t spend that much on myself. I quit getting hair cut, hair colored, and did my own toes a few times in winter, I cancelled Isagenix, I cancelled audible. I’m ordering my bras that I need more comfort with (I’m officially done with underwire and uncomfortable strapping bras), my makeup basics (eyeliner and a neutral eye color) that will last forever, and a rain coat (b/c mine leaks). I work too and I am ordering these needs that I have. If that is not good, then I’ll schedule the kitchen model makeover consult. LOL You remember how long the floors took, how we almost divorced over the bath shower makeover, and how I had to give up my dream of RVing. Yeah so my goals are all crushed but not like they show in the movies. All those people crushing their goals out there? Well I’m crushing mine too. Crushed, crushed, crushed- stomped. I told you this blog had new meaning right? LOL I can show anyone how to crush a goal, a project, a dream, kill some time, kill a project, kill a dream. lol Just be around here for a few minutes and watch it happen. We can help you like no other to crush those goals around here. Ya got have a little humor, come on.
So since I’m living everyone else’s life, I’ve chosen just not to do anything today toward my own goals. What is the point of scrambling along the hamster wheel reaching for things I can’t get to or going places I’ll never go. I’m trying not to plan anything short or long term, just exist. It’s much less painful. I’ve had coffee, oh – and I ordered a “joy” Bible Study book since I obviously need to learn the joy of living everyone else’s life.
Sorry for the sarcasm today. But gee, the heart overflows with what I’m feeling inside which is kind of a “why am I even here” and “what is my life suppose to look like” kinda mood/mode.
I may finish the laundry. I will take the BP Meds. I might clean some. I will take a shower. I will change our sheets. I will have prayer and devo time. I might try and figure out Final Cut Pro on the next video b/c that is what is bothering me the most that I can’t get over this next learning curve. I feel like if I can get around that curve, I’ll be around the curve on the JOY factor as well.
What You See is What You Get?
Oh, and the crocs I ordered Mom? You know the “bright yellow ones” she got when I ordered Stucco, and off-white so it would go with everything? Well….when I got there yesterday she had on Stucco colored crocs. They were not bright yellow. I feel bad for leaving Amazon the bad color substitution review. She just can’t see and they look like a bright canary yellow to her. ::sigh::
Where Do We Go From Here?
I’m very tired. I’m off today. Not doing much. Just very tired. It’s all good. I see the sun coming out. The temps will be higher later this week. I feel and need a dog in my future. That will lift my world. I think we’ll start looking once we do our April trip to Knoxville. I’m trying ya’ll. I’m just very discouraged right now. I know I’ll pull out. I know my outlook will change. It will get better. There is bird chirping outside the window now in an effort to cheer me. I know He’s been sent by God. It’s a sound I’ve missed and God said “spring is coming and the sunshine will soon come back in your days”.
In the mean time, Mom’s pictures have to be finished hung in her house and she has finally agreed to let me help her unpack. So looks like I’ll be spending even more time over there and less here. She wants to go with me on my next pedicure run. So I will fill my days with trying to get things done for her and try and get her settled as to what degree we can in the weeks and months ahead.
I will erase any grand plans on a time schedule on my own, will erase my own goals as a now thing, and put them off for yet even more time. I will stick to basics because that is all I can handle for now. Just breathe. Live in the moment. Sip coffee. Find joy in the small things. Go for a walk. Do my little challenge (being self-helpful to myself). Read. Blog. Work on a video as I have time or want to or CAN figure out with this new software. Yeah. Take time out to learn. I have to just learn to be simple. Not much plans. Scratch the desires, goals, dreams and pushing because it only agonizes me to not have time to work toward them. (I have to de-motivate myself. Really? Most people long to be motivated!) Just be. Just accept and embrace what is until I can figure out a way to forge forward. After all, that IS this year’s motto.
I’ll be more of a mentor and a positive person for you all later. I appreciate those of you who are sticking with me through the muck. You find out who your friends truly are. Thank you for your support through the struggles we have of life. I keep saying tomorrow will be better. And it will. Til then I’ll stick with basics and move gently and softly forward, as life allows.