Good morning! Well it is morning time here as I write this. Just a little mid-week update. I don’t have anything specific to share so I’ll write from the heart, which you all seem to like the best anyway. The week is going by fast. I have been experiencing sadness and/or disappointment and/or just a little bit of what I call “unsettled”. I thought it was over my videos and just kinda being discouraged by where I am with that and I do have a bit of debris to work through there. But as I’ve worked through most of that in my head, I realize it’s more than that. I think it is the SAD or Seasonal Disorder thing that normally hits about now with me.
I think the Seasonal Disorder or SAD is brought on by a perfect storm scenario – and on some days quite literally as with these terrific rain and thunderstorms that come our way. But seriously, Christmas is over, and the hype we give ourselves for starting fresh in the new year (for me that was Feb 1 as I didn’t get to do much personally in Jan). And now that Feb is here, even though we have been teased by some warmer air, it’s still very much cold and gloomy most days. And I’ll just add that February has been somewhat of a letdown as far as having “time” goes and the “wanna do” list just keeps on growing. So SAD for me is not only not having sun, tired of the winter, and stuck in the doldrums – the kick in the belly for me is not having the time I need to recharge and be a healthy version of me. And let me add that when I try to take time to myself I pay for it in the long run by being so backed up with life’s or everyone else’s needs or lists.
I thought February would bring huge pockets of time. And well, I guess it has periodically. But I find my soul wanting to just sit and read a book. Like how much trouble would that be? (A lot). I look across my house in the mornings as I rush off to work and think “oh if I just had time to work on that today” or “if I was home all day, just think what I could accomplish”. In the past when I felt like this, I would take a vacation day. But these days we are often short on vacation days for all we try to do. (Positive note: at least we are not moving my mother twice this year! One can hope not anyway!) Side note: I also realize that my soul and psyche is needing a beach. I don’t want to lay out on the beach, but I do want to walk on it, be able to look at it from a condo balcony, and eat seafood, shop the shops, buy a t shirt, read a book and feel the warm breeze and sunshine on my face. I have my memories at least to think of.
I know that we are blessed and have everything we need (but time) and I have God that hears my thoughts and sends me messages throughout the day in various formats. HE HOLDS ME. I am also depressed thinking of the fact that I’m doing another whine about time post. But if this is a reality blog, I guess that is the theme of late. We’ve always been short on time I suppose but it came in spurts before and I had a remedy. This time is unpredictable and well, life is just not turning out as I expected it to be. There is a huge gap between what I wanted it to be and what it is.
My thoughts have been things like “so this is what has become of my life”? It’s not a bad life, but given the SAD that is upon most of us right now with all this rain and gloom, I just feel stuck in my life. And at times it seems there is no control or change. There is some though and mostly just how I view it has to change. It’s just hard. There are some things that are not as I want them to be. Most of which will not be or cannot logically be changed.
And the SAD makes you question yourself as a person too. And the things you tell yourself are not very positive in thought. And that just leads you down a darker road. Regardless of how much you have tried to do or be – it’s like there are these forces that just put barriers in your way of anything and everything you try to do or plan or be. And I’m so over that already.
Then when you begin to think of all these things and go down all these dark alleys of what was supposed to be but didn’t happen that way, and you question yourself as a person – they way you look at yourself, and the way others look at you. Then the rain comes and the time you need doesn’t – it just sinks you deeper into the mud hole. And you realize and say to yourself. I’m just so tired. Tired of everything. I want to do nothing. Just tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of being. Sleep is so inviting. Most of the time sleep cures what I need and the day starts afresh, and usually disappoints again because it had no more than 24 hours just like the day before.
I’m sure that is why most everyone in life is ready for Spring Break! We all need a break. So before you worry, I AM FINE. I really am. I do this every year – except this year the “time” thing (its absence) is on steroids. And I’m sure many of you can relate to this – this time of the year. And personally I think it comes again as a “heat disorder” (HAD? lol) in late July and early August. :-O
I realize that what I’m going through is normal and the dip is also exacerbated by not getting in my vitamins over the weekend (I didn’t get time to refill them into my 7-day vitamin holder until til late Sunday night). The extra vitamin D is so critical this time of year. And I missed a couple of doses.
As for the videos, enhhhh, I’ll get all that sorted out and my hope is still alive that I’ll get around the curve and finally maybe one day have time to build it and grow it and get better at it. I appreciate your support and positive comments that you have given me over time. It’s fine. It’ll all be fine. I’m not giving up. Not giving up on me, nor the fact that one day I’ll have TIME.
So I spent the two hours Sunday to myself and have been paying for it ever since. I finally got the laundry finished yesterday and the ironing done last night. I got Mom’s crocs order done. And I have some orders I need to do for myself but have not had time. I finally got the Isagenix autoship cancelled over chat – all the while George was yelling “come to dinner, dinner’s ready” repeatedly. lol. I am thankful for dinner but I had to slide that one in there as I was in the middle of it and it’s been on my list for over a month. Finally! After forgetting the password and going to my password service and then my password service wouldn’t let me in because I was having problems remembering the password to IT! Finally found where I had THAT password so I could go back and sign in to Isagenix and get this done. I’ve tried for so long to get it cancelled and just never had time and every time I try to do it I run into this kind of thing —or dinner’s ready one of the two. lol. Then it’s my time to spend with George – dinner and a Netflix show. Then the beloved bed time. I slept so good last night. Didn’t even wake once.
We are going to Mom’s house tonight as she is fixing spaghetti for dinner, and going to her house over the weekend to hang pictures. And she has asked that George do a Lowe’s run for filters. The kind she had me order on Amazon didn’t work. ::sigh::
So yeah, it’ll be ok. I just need some time to breathe, some sunshine, and did I say time? Yeah just some time will be fine. Let me see how much THAT costs on Amazon. And where is that long lost “relative” when you need her? That realm of life doesn’t fit the picture either. What I have done to deserve having to take care of things by myself? Let her come hang some pictures. Sorry, I just had to forgive again. 70 X 7. I think I’m about there at the limit. What happens then? lol. We combust? I think I’ve already done that. And that is NOT ok.