Guarding my Heart and Letting it Go

I erased yesterday’s entry. I was tired, whiney, tired, and whiney. And nothing good comes out when you are tired and whiney. Even though sometimes it is necessary to vent. And nothing bad was said, just tiredness and whineyness. And writing is so lethargic for me. The people that need to read it don’t, and the people that don’t need to read it do, and the purpose is not to make anyone feel bad, feel inefficient – although maybe some might need to consider a few things – lol – but that is where I need to communicate directly and where I decide if I will or won’t communicate, establish boundaries and so forth. I don’t like conflict so therefore I don’t always communicate. I rather will just compensate on my end or be willing to live with it. But you know what – neither does anyone else communicate. That seems to be “the great fault” of everyone not to communicate, give expectations, draw boundaries, set goals, set parameters, state their wishes, their feelings. So a lot of times instead I park my thoughts here and guess what others expectations and feelings are. And again did I say I was tired and whiney?

I have a lot of questions, feelings, opinions, anxiousness, concerns – just a lot of feelings and emotions about a lot of things across my life that I keep inside and some days it all just bubbles over or out. And yesterday was that about having to work so many hours and all that is wrapped around this transition period. And a lot of the stuff I’m saying below is just random very deep seeded things that are just part of my “make up” that I want to say.

Those of you that know me well know that I am a somewhat perfectionist when it comes to wanting to get things done. I have very high expectations of those around me and of myself. And I have protection over my time and I get anxious over it b/c I get anxious as I see what can happen and has happened.

I don’t like conflict and yet when it occurs I get very defensive and try very hard not to get defensive since I know that about me. I know that I have a protective and untrusting feeling at times when I don’t know someone’s intent or if they fail to communicate. It leaves one to guess. It makes you think negative things about yourself or others. I’ve recently learned “I am good enough”. And other’s inefficiencies do not mean that it defines me. So some things you just let go and let God. And I have done that very well, I think at times this past year. And I will do it now.

I know that psychologists say that this is the norm for those that needed to feel like they had to protect themselves and usually something that stems from childhood. I never liked conflict as a child and I think I developed a fear of getting yelled at and so I’m always shielding and protecting myself and providing fences and defenses. And that should teach us that “love can move more mountains” than bitterness, meanness or yelling. Sometimes love is truly all you need and there is not enough of it. So I confess that I burp out my deep insides sometimes and spew with anger when I feel I have been taken advantage of, not appreciated, or if my feelings have been hurt if I am tired and whiney, lol. I know it’s normal to need to communicate, but I don’t need to whine or make people feel inefficient or bad. It just is what it is. And I’ve turned all my frustrations, hurt, anger, anxieties, fears, over to God in prayer last night. As so much has built up in so many areas of my life in the past month. We have a tendency to just try to fix it all or let it lie dormant and ignore it but sometimes we just need to hand it over.

So it feels good this morning to be purged and God centered and he is the one that will handle the rest for me. He’s my counselor, my spirit, my rock and He loves me even when/if no one else does. He has told me I can rest in Him. He has told me He will handle any enemies against me, the food that comes to me, the very things in life that I need, He will provide, that I need not worry about anything but the tasks at hand today for today has enough to handle on its own.

I have so much to be thankful for. The future looks bright. I love the new job. It is going to get better as the old one fades and is no longer a part of my psyche. It’s just been a hard transition for me to watch the other go down that I worked so hard and to not be able to get it all done or to help my (former) assistant more.

For a long time, I have said “God leads my paths”. He has not forsaken me yet. He takes care of me. He knows what is best for me. And I’m happy with the changes I’ve made. I think what I’ve been able to do in HR has been incredible, whether others think so or not. I am the one that knows what I all have done to make things better and it’s usually things that people don’t see. God knows. And He has also gotten me this far. And so I know in the future, He will continue to lead my paths, whatever they are. And He knows the desires of my heart. He knows that I need to feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose toward a goal. And I have that now.

And it’s Friday and that makes anyone smile. Much to accomplish today and I’m later getting out of the house than I need to be but hey – if I am late who cares? I have worked enough hours lately to be a few minutes late from here to retirement, lol.

So I’m good, things are going to get better. Even though I didn’t sleep too good last night for George’s snoring and having to eat so late (I finally left at 4:45 to get may nails done so I didn’t work late last night.) Yay! It’s all good. Glad to have a good calm weekend to relax. The full moon didn’t help this week either. I always believe it brings out the unrest in us all. Ok, so I’ll go out and buy my “Life is Good” tee shirt, lol. And I’ll try not to post when I’m tired and whiney.

3 responses to “Guarding my Heart and Letting it Go”

  1. Oh my dear Sonya, whatever have I missed, why have I not been here to maybe help you, but to be honest this last month without any internet connection has been awful..oh yes I realised only last week I could get internet in the place I have my coffee and porridge …stupid me really you would think after being on the computer for how long I can’t even remember I would be a bit more savvy…
    Anyway I’m back now and promise to try to be around for you…but please when you get into such a state as you must have been yesterday just try to drop me a wee note …you have my E address…even though I have changed server I can still use my AOL address, thank goodness..imagine if I had had to tell everybody my new e mail address…..perish the thought……Night night God Bless. Xxxx

Leave a Reply